Azzanadra's Brief Adventure (is not what you think)
by meowcatmeowkitty
Summary: Comedy An adventurer reluctantly helps a troll child find his missing parents. He has a secret, though, and she may be in for more than she bargained for.


It was a cold, winter's day in Trollweiss. A young troll boy sat outside the gate to the valley. Tears rolled down his cheeks as he cried for his parents.

Earlier that day, he had found a diamond in the snow. But more on that later. As he got ready to show his prize to his parents, a man approached. He didn't look like a healthy human, by any means. He had tautly stretched skin, that looked bloodless. He looked impossibly ancient, and twisted.

Equally as twisted as his appearance was the look in his eyes. The troll child could see nothing but hatred and fury behind them. The child ran to hide, and let his parents ward off the brazen stranger. He did not spot the troll. His parents weren't so lucky. Turned into ice and dragged away; the troll child wept for their fate, and the chance he might never see them again.

On that same day, a brave hero made her way through the Troll Stronghold. And not without purpose. As the adventurer type are wont to do, she was going on a quest. And she was convinced this one was truly great.

An ancient hero, unjustly imprisoned. Alive inside a pyramid, waiting for a courageous, strapping maiden to release him! Oh yes, Azzanadra would feel the sweet tang of free air. And hopefully reward her with the immense amount of treasure she was convinced she'd been promised. That was a good bonus.

Unfortunately, when she got to a gate that led north, where she believed the diamond to be, she found it closed. Damn! She was displeased with the setback. She would clearly have to lower herself to talking to an NPC to complete this one. This was obvious, because there was one a few feet away. Sobbing. Yup, this troll was clearly quest fodder. The adventurer sighed, only comforted by the fact that she might get to kill him in an epic boss battle (with suitably epic l00tz!) later.

"Ok, little troll. Suck it up and tell me where Azzanadra's diamond is!"

The troll just sobbed.

"Double damn!" thought the adventurer, "I'm clearly going to have to bribe him with something, if I want rich hero smoochage."

She scrounged for the two flattest stones she could find. Then, she placed snow in the middle, on top, and around the sides. But something was missing. In the moment, a cute little bunny hopped by. The adventurer 1-hit it with her battleaxe and placed it in the middle and the "cake".

"There we go! Now it has a filling!" she thought. It certainly wasn't something she'd eat, but this kid was a troll. She'd met trolls with all sorts of names. They obviously didn't care what they ate. He wouldn't know the difference. Make a real cake? Reader, you're clearly joking. That would involve teleporting to a bank, getting the ingredients and coming back. 5 whole minutes of her glorious, heroic life. Inconceivable No, troll child will eat his rock cake, and he'll like it.

The troll child stared at the rock cake for a moment. After a longer-than-necessary, awkward, tense moment, the troll child shrugged and put the cake behind his back. Then, he told the adventurer all that had transpired that day, except for one little secret. He told her she could get the diamond if she saved his parents.

The adventurer was frustrated. Yet another obstacle in her goal. She'd have to fight a bunch of smelly trolls and yet another guardian. She'd hoped to avoid it this time. Oh well. She would persevere. She always did. The day she gave up on THIS quest would be the day she hung up her adventuring shoes and took up, she didn't know, Ichthyology (which, despite the promising name, is not in fact the study of Ichtlarin) or something.

It took her some time, but she finally managed to free the troll's parents. The gracious, victorious hero strode to the troll child with a spring in her step. The busy work inolved in quests got her down, but this: the victorious return, was her thing. And she worked it. The troll parents would later laugh at her expense, calling her overly-dramatic, hyperbolic almost (or would have, if trolls were wont to have such expansive vocabularies). But she would never know this. And her heroic return was most glorious.

She allowed the troll child a few minute's reunion with his parents. Oh yes, she was in the zone. Then, it was diamond time! What she'd waited for all this time.

"Ok, ok. Now fork over the diamond! I don't have all day. I would like to get this thing to Eblis before nightfall. I'll never get to sleep, if I'm feverishly imagining Azzanadra's half-nude body…"

She was cut off by giggles from the trolls

"Ok! What's up here? What's so funny, and what on Gielinor is the hold-up?"

The troll child smiled from ear to ear, with a mischievous glint in his eyes. His parents were having a great laugh, clearly at the adventurer's expense. She asked again,

"Why are you smiling like that?"

Finally, the troll mother answered her,

"Why, dearie, Azzanadra's right in front of you! And I am so proud of him…"

The adventurer felt flustered and slightly confused. After a longer time than it should have taken, it dawned on her.

"You didn't!" she shouted.

He did. And then began the longest chase scene in Runescape's history, marked by general silliness and an unexpected visit from Brassica Prime, who was accosted by a flock of penguins.

(Several hours later)

Eblis stood impatiently in the circle of mirrors. He was typically a patient man, but he had never felt so much hope before in his life. He was half worried his hopes would be dashed against the rocks, making an example of those who get excited at the adventurer's promise of aid.

Finally, however, he saw two silhouettes on the horizon. He smiled widely, but corrected himself. It would be embarrassing to be seen losing his cool. Sure, he'd never had much of it anyway.

He was always that odd mix of cynical and optimistic, depending (presumably) on the orbit of Jupiter's moons and their relationship to Guthix's location, offset by a cat or two. In other words, it came and went with no set pattern. He suspected he was by nature an optimist, taught to be suspicious of the world that treated his people so cruelly by that same world.

Anyway, he was not cool, by bandit standards or anyone else's.

Of course, nobody really cares about Eblis' personality. He's just an NPC meant to help you progress in Desert Treasure. I'm willing to bet nobody would care if he died in a later quest. In fact, I'm willing to bet players are placing bets on whether they'll get to kill him. Ah yes. The average Runescape player. If every quest character was killable, there would scarcely be any left to give quests. Their dialogue? Meh. Effect on the storyline? Meh. The fact that they tell you to kill more things? Meh. The fact that you could wipe that stupid, smug smile off Wahisietel's face if you had the chance? Priceless.

Unless, of course, I talk about the actual, average Runescape players. The bots. Those just wipe the stupid, smug smile off of MY face.

Back to the actual story: Eblis watched the approaching pair intently. The adventurer spoke,

"Umm, Ebby, I've got some good news and some bad news…"

Eblis tensed up. And not just because he wanted to murder anyone who called him "Ebby".

"Yeah, um, I'm going to go with the good news first! I've got Azzanadra!"

Eblis' eyes lit up, "Already?" he asked.

"Yeah, but um, the bad news…"

she paused. Eblis gritted his teeth.

"It's the wrong Azzanadra. This troll, here, you see him? He kind of… ate him. Or at least his diamond."

she smile submissively and embarrassed. Eblis hid his head in his hands. This story ends as it began. With uncontrollable sobbing.


End file.
